Already Dead
by NapTime69
Summary: Bolin, in an attempt to ease him mind before battle, recounts the events following Korra and Mako's kiss. Triads, scandal, decent into darkness, you know, the usual. "You can stop now, I'm already dead" -Abigail Folger
1. Trust

To whoever finds this journal,

If you're reading this, it means I'm dead. The men in my regiment are saying we won't make it to tomorrow night. The Equalist Army's weaponry has advanced faster than the United Republic can keep up and while most of us still have our bending, its clear it won't be enough. But you probably already know that already.

I'm not much of a storyteller, but I do have a story to tell, explanations to give. I've kept a lot of secrets in the past few years…made a lot of mistakes. I guess I don't want to die with a heavy heart and a full mind.

So I've decided to unload it all into this grubby little notebook. Mako, I hope you're the one reading this, but really, I just need someone, anyone, to know.

-Bolin

* * *

She was supposed to be it: the be all, end all of the endless stream of rosy-cheeked wide-eyed innocents that I supposedly corrupted on a nightly basis. Not that I ever got very far with any of the faceless girls that somehow made their way into the locker-room after every match; a few kisses against the wall, maybe a shirt on the floor, but despite my playboy image, none of them were worth anything more from me. Not that I had the guts then to try for anything more.

But there was something about this one. Whether it was the conspicuous lack of a skirt or the relaxed almost cocky way she held herself as Toza laid into her about trespassing in the gym, that made me stumble over my first few words to her, I'll never know, but I knew that this mysterious effect she had on me needed to be investigated further.

I guess I shouldn't have been surprised when I found myself suddenly terrified of the thought of me asking her out on a date seeing as how I'd never had to do the asking and she was the fucking avatar. Nevertheless, a few (expensive) pastries and one mildly emasculating rescue mission later, I finally plucked up the courage to demand she come out with me. Mako's arrogance be damned, she liked me, or at least I knew she would after that night. "How could she not?" I had thought innocently.

Tahno's interruption at dinner aside, the night was perfect. I got to be her own personal guide to her new home, and she managed to turn my many faux pas and awkward ramblings into charming flirtations and clever anecdotes. Perfect.

I was still riding the high from the quick kiss on the cheek I managed to get in before watching Korra's form disappear into Yue Bay and reappear on Air Temple Island, when the quarterfinal match rolled around. I didn't think twice about the fact that Mako and Korra were at each other's throats the entire match. What did that matter when I just beat the best earthbender in the league in a tiebreaker, and was a few more dates away from sealing the deal with the savior of the world?

So imagine my surprise when, flowers in hand, I walk in on Mako with his lips locked on Korra's outside the arena. In her defense, the look she gave me after noticing my presence was one of pure shame and regret.

I wasn't one for crying. Still not. I never had anything to be disappointed about. I was used to not having food or a bed or parents, so there wasn't reason to get upset when things didn't work out. That's just how life was.

But this I was so sure about, and having it ripped away, by my own brother nonetheless, sent me over the edge. I felt the unfamiliar pinch behind my eyes and the heat rising in my face and took that as my cue to get the hell away from them.

I still don't know if it would have changed anything if Mako had come after me or if I would have just crushed his skull right then and there, rather than let him come find me at four in the morning, drunk off my ass. He had quite a time dragging me back to the apartment: even in my stupor, I managed to get in a few choice words. I think it went something like this:

Mako: Come on Bo. You're a mess. I'm taking you home.

Me: Get off. I'm not going anywhere with you. [Scuffling. Allows self to be steered out of bar]

Mako: Don't you think you're being a little melodramatic about this? You'll have a locker-room full of girls by tomorrow  
night anyways.

Me: Fuck you! I don't want those girls, I wanted her! And I told you that! I trusted you! [Tries to shove Mako into a  
wall resulting in a very un- graceful face plant on my part]

Looking back I should have seen it coming from a mile away: the two of them acting like fucking five-year olds out in the arena, Mako's clumsy attempt to cover up his unintentional confession of interest in her to me, the way Korra would tense up and find an excuse to leave whenever Mako's girlfriend, Asami, would walk into the room. I'll never make that mistake again. From then on I vowed that I wouldn't let trust or attraction blind me to the truth again: a habit that's served me well ever since.


	2. Forgiveness

Chapter 2

Needless to say, that night's match didn't go so well, what with my massive hangover and Korra and Mako's violent sexual tension; I wonder what Asami was thinking as she listened to the match on the radio like she did every night. Still, I wasn't about to let the two of them make a fool out of me twice in a twenty-four hour period. So I sucked it up and tried to ignore the insults to probending who were supposedly fighting alongside me, but after taking a disk to the gut and subsequently puking my brains out into the pool that I would soon be swimming in, I gave up on maintaining any semblance of dignity and focused on just getting through the match alive. Which wasn't going to happen if we didn't start working as a team again.

I figured I'd start with Mako. As I swam up to the elevator platform, I noticed a gloved hand floating above my head. I glanced up and took it, crossing to the elevator without a word to my brother. My shoulder ached from another well-placed disk, definitely dislocated, and the pain was making it hard to think of the right words to get Mako back on my side. Luckily, he broke the silence for me as the floor started to rise:

Mako: Are you ok? How's your shoulder?

Bolin: Its messed up pretty bad, but I think I'll be all right…are we…gonna be all right?

Mako: Of course we are. We're brothers. We'll get through this mess…I'm sorry.

Bolin: Me too…girls…

Mako: Seriously.

To this day I regret that conversation. I was used to cutting Mako a break: when he would come back to me empty handed, or camped us in the wrong alley, or had to "run numbers" for the Triple Threats when we were truly desperate. I knew it wasn't his fault and he was doing his best and doing it for me. Besides, his apologies usually involved dumplings.

But this time…this time he actually screwed up and screwed up royally. But without a second thought, I just did what I always did when Mako gave me one of his sheepish apologies: tell him it was fine and then shut-up so I wouldn't make things worse.

My peace with Korra was, unsurprisingly, an entirely different story; there was too much working in her favor what with her match winning hat trick, healing my shoulder, and those eyes that would swallow me up. Even now, many years and many loves later, she still has this effect on me. One look from her and I am putty in her hands; that pout will be the death of me. That is if I survive the coming days.


End file.
